In life, there are good and bad experiences, ups and downs, tragedies and triumphs. Life is a balance. There always is and always will be opposition in all things and we need that opposition to grow and progress as people, as individuals, and as social unites. However, there are certain ways that we can respond to our circumstances that differentiate if we succumb to the hardships or springboard off of them to higher heights.
“ …We have been blessed with the gift of moral agency, the capacity for independent action and choice. Endowed with agency, you and I are agents, and we primarily are to act and not just be acted upon. To believe that someone or something can make us feel offended, angry, hurt, or bitter diminishes our moral agency and transforms us into objects to be acted upon. As agents, however, you and I have the power to act and to choose how we will respond to an offensive or hurtful situation.”—David A. Bednar
We cannot always control our circumstances, but we can control how we react to those situations. In families, there are a wide array of things that can happen to shake our secure little world heavily. Some stressors or crisis include: accidents, moving to a new place, medical issues, death, internal strife between members of a family unit, role changes as circumstances require (i.e. if a husband and father dies, the son sometimes steps up to fill those shoes), natural disasters, major purchases (financial problems), divorce, addiction. All these things added to a variety of other “could be’s” can change our lives. However, we can choose to sink or swim in these moments. It’s not always easy, but there are ways.
It is important to first, do what you can to prepare for a crisis. That doesn’t mean you turn into a pessimist who like Chicken Little believes the sky is falling. It simply means that you make a game plan that “if such and such were to happen, here’s how we would meet each other’s needs, and respond”. It’s like knowing the emergency exit drill when a fire alarm goes off. You don’t need to constantly be in fear that a fire will happen, but if it does, you at least know how to get out of the house to safety.
There was a model developed called the ABCX model. This model explains why people react differently in similar situations. The layout is simple: A stands for the problem or crisis that is undergone. B stands for the resources available and how those resources are utilized to respond to the crisis. C stands for the perspective that the individuals going through the crisis have (for example how they define or perceive the problem in the grand scheme of things). All these added together, equal x or the total experience outcome.
For example, if a provider in the household loses his or her job, that would-be A (the stressor). So the job has been lost, what are the next steps to take? Would a hunt for work somewhere else be appropriate, or would researching other options, talking to friends and family to get new perspectives on how to proceed be a course of action to take? Then there’s the option to do nothing at all and just let it happen. All these are a form of the B (how we utilize whatever resources we have to handle the stressor). Finally, how does the provider and the rest of the family view the job loss? As something temporary and just a part of life that happens, as an end of the world crisis, as a setback that can be overcome? These views compromise C (how one perceives the stressor). All of these make up x, how we end up handling a stressor event in our lives.
If you can understand and are prepared to apply appropriate principles, your healthy routines and support systems, you can overcome your circumstances. What affects one family member affects everyone. Even if it is something we would perceive to be small or insignificant. Whenever a crisis hits for an individual in a family, everyone can be expected in some way to be affected by it. For many who face crisis, the natural reaction is to pull away, disengage, and distract ourselves from reality so we can try to ‘deal’ with the problem on our own. But that is the last thing you want to do. Avoidance never solves the problem.
The definition of coping is “making small, necessary adjustments so things fit well and endure under pressure.” It is the emotional, healthy process of dealing with a crisis while you’re going through it. It is acceptance of the crisis because you need to acknowledge a problem in order to be able to face it. Everyone will need to assess the situation and make the necessary small changes that will get them rebalanced and able to best help each other overcome stressful situations. This can be done in many ways and family will work differently. However, some ways to successfully be effective are: staying strong together as a family, spending time together, accepting each other, communicating effectively, involving every family member in a major decision making process, affirming the worth of yourself and your family, and relying on the support of friends, neighbors, or family to help you through difficult times.
As you look back on your life so far, there are sure to have been crisis of some kind, if not, there will be. When that happened, did your family pull together or divide? Did they overcome or succumb? What caused those outcomes? What patterns of lifestyle do you want to incorporate or discard in order to have a stable family? What will you do now, as an individual and with your family, to prepare for what will come?
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