Friends of the opposite gender are fun to have. Guys and gals complement each other in unique ways and can bring a lot of fun and adventure to the table. That being said, when a couple becomes attached, get engaged, and continue on to marriage, often, those other gender friendships change significantly.
Why does this happen? Is it healthy? What’re the pros or cons of losing friends of the opposite gender once you get married? There are many questions that can be asked about this topic and I hope to be able to share what I have found about the topic with you.
First and foremost, it is important to remember that marriage is a covenant. If not between you and God, then at least between your spouse and yourself. A covenant is a solemn, sacred promise that both of you will provide, support, care for, and love each other during the bad times as well as the good. Consider the magnitude of this commitment. It is quite a grave privilege.
With this in mind, it’s important, therefore, to do all you can to fulfill that promise by strengthening the bond you have with your spouse. Imagine that you and your spouse are standing together and a chalk circle is drawn around you two signifying the boundary of your marriage. You are, as you promised in your vows, to do everything to keep that circle from disintegrating so you stay strong in that circle of togetherness. Your spouse becomes your best friend.
Pause to consider: What benefits would there be to keeping opposite gender friends after marriage? And what disadvantages would there be to keeping opposite gender friends after marriage? These lists are for your personal reflection and thought. Weigh those pros and cons in your scale book. Which one outweighs the other?
Personally, I came to the conclusion that if marriage was such a commitment, something worth protecting, I would see more cons to the above question than the pros. Even if I were to keep opposite gender friends because we’re friends and I truly like them, it would open the doors to possibilities I’d rather stay bolted shut. For example, no matter how innocent those friendships may seem, or even be initially, there’s still a possibility for temptation to creep in. Opposite gender friends can cause one to waver from your spouse, and even if that weren’t to happen, it can cause spouse insecurities, it can cause comparison in the spouse feeling like they don’t measure up, and even if there is no physical breach of a marriage covenant, there is a high likelihood of emotional infidelity.
What friendship in 10, 30, 50 years is worth the heartache, the insecurity, and the doubt that can enter a marriage relationship because of it? Again, all these horrible things aren’t even intentional when they start. But too often, circumstances that start off as innocent, can quickly take an unexpectedly drastic and horrible turn. Of course, everyone is entitled to their opinions, and many may choose to disagree. However, research from many counselors of families and marriages have proven that this happens to an alarming degree and the safest way to prevent yourself from falling off a cliff is to stay away from the edge entirely.
When your future spouse puts that ring on your finger, and you are engaged, at that moment it would be a good idea to disengage, or set clear the boundary, the circle you and your spouse stand in, from others. You’re committed to each other now. The moment you let anyone breach that circle for any reason, you’re in a danger zone and you would do well to reevaluate where you stand in your relationship and where you want it to end up.
I recommend highly, talking with your spouse or your spouse-to-be about how you want to set your boundaries together. Discuss what your weaknesses are, when you’re most likely to be susceptible, and then come up with a game plan of how you’ll work through whatever life may throw at you together so you can defend your circle. You don’t have to do it alone. A marriage after all is all about togetherness and that’s the way it was meant to stay.
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