One of the deep desires prevalent in our world has been the need to express ourselves, to be heard, and to understand the things around us. Science takes long strides forward as it dissects, analyzes, and learns about the truths that are presented to us in our world. We benefit from the new discoveries and advancements both in medicine, technology, and the expansion of horizons of possibility. They are eager to learn everything: how, why, and therefore.
Theater and entertainment have done a wonderful job portraying all varieties of emotion, circumstances, and character in our movies, plays, books, music etc. We feel emotions and soak in the messages they try to portray to us.
We tune into so many things that clamor to be heard and we seek to understand it all, and yet how well do we put in those same efforts to effectively communicate with each other: those closest to us, our families, friends, neighbors, town, communities? If relationships are to thrive, it is important we recognize patterns of communication and do what we can to be as effective as possible so we can have the richest relationships available to us.
There are three types of mediums through which we communicate: words (this can be written or spoken), tone (the emphasis we put on words to give added meaning), and nonverbal (where our expressions and body language do the talking for us). We use these mediums constantly all day, every day whether we recognize it or not.
There is a process through which we communicate, a model. It’s where we all have a thought or feeling and we try to convey it to a recipient through any, or all of the mediums mentioned above. We ‘encode’ our message into the medium, or we try to help them see what we want to say, and through those mediums, the recipient ‘decodes’ our message and interprets it. This may sound simple, but take a moment to think of the millions of different people in the world that each differ in circumstance, experience, culture, and walks of life. What one person may view as straightforward, another might interpret as offensive.
For example, say for Christmas, a young man buys his wife a gift. The ever-practical husband thought about what his wife would need and decided to buy her a new vacuum to replace the old one that was falling apart. He presents it to her on Christmas day excited to give her something that she’ll be able to use for a long time and that will be easier for her to use than the other one anyway. She’ll totally love it, right? Wrong!
Not all girls, but many, during special occasions don’t want common, everyday gifts. They want something more sentimental rather than practical. Flowers, jewelry, chocolates etc. How would they interpret a vacuum as a gift? They may feel like the husband doesn’t think of them as special if all he could come up with was a vacuum cleaner, or maybe he’s insensitive, maybe he doesn’t care about her anymore…is she right? Wrong!
The same action was experienced by both people: A gift was given. However, the meanings that were taken from the giver to the receiver were totally different. This can happen in our personal communications more often than we would think. There can be many difficulties that can keep communication from being clear and effective. As people, we make assumptions about others by how they act, talk, or do anything. This can change the way we behave toward them which will send out nonverbal messages to them that they will receive, interpret, and respond to.
An effective form of communication might be for the wife to express to her husband that she is sure he had no intention of hurting her feelings, but to her, the vacuum cleaner made her feel disregarded, like she was ordinary, not worth any special effort. If she could communicate that to him without attacking him or crying out about how selfish and narrow-minded he is, he then, in a more non-defensive setting can see where she’s coming from. He can then explain why he bought the gift and his thought process behind it: how he wanted to get her something new that would be nicer than the old vacuum they’d had because he thought she deserved something nicer. Clearing up miscommunication and misunderstandings can really only happen when we are open, sensitive, and believe that the other person was not intentionally out to get us.
Sometimes, we don’t really listen to others. We focus more on what we want to say because it’s something important; so we tune others out and focus on a pause in the conversation so we can inject our brilliant comment onto the stage to be displayed.
It’s important when focusing on communication to ask ourselves: what is my intention with my communication? Am I communicating to be heard, or is my aim to understand and be understood?
“When you listen carefully to others, you understand them better. When they know that their thoughts and feelings are important to you, they are more likely to be receptive of your…” thoughts, feelings, and impressions. “While others talk to you, avoid the tendency to think about what you are going to say. Make sure you are really concentrating on the person speaking rather than planning your response… People also communicate by the way they sit, their facial expressions, what they do with their hands, their tone of voice, and the movements of their eyes…be aware of your own body language. Send a message of interest and enthusiasm by listening sincerely.”-Preach My Gospel
This doesn’t mean you can’t convey what you’re feeling and thinking. But when doing so, do your best to do so sincerely, humbly, and sensitively. Our intent is not to hurt others or attack them, especially if they have differing views than our own. We want to understand where they come from and help them understand where we come from. Understanding brings tolerance, and a bonding that cannot be feigned or gotten elsewhere. Communicating isn’t necessarily agreeing or disagreeing, or trying to be louder than the person next to you. When we truly attempt to explain who we are, why we do what we do, and give the same respect to others, especially in more intimate relationships, than we will find that we can avoid a lot of misery and heartache in the long run.
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