I’m sure it’s no surprise to any of us that marriage is one of the biggest decisions of our lives, that heralds a new chapter of change. Change is a central focus for all of us making that big-step decision one to be celebrated, but with all change comes the need for adjustments. This isn’t as fully appreciated as much as the recognition of change itself.
Yes, there are a lot of adjustments. There’s moving into a quaint apartment, or a new home together, there’s more accountability and work load that comes with taking responsibility for each other. Not only should we stop to consider the big adjustments we will need to make, but so many of the small ones go unthought about and unaddressed until it’s time to cross that bridge.
What are some of the small adjustments? There are so many things! Perhaps he loves the cold and you love the heat. How does the temperature of the home affect a balance? Perhaps he likes things to be neat and orderly, and she leaves toothpaste all over the sink; how do you adjust to that kind of a situation? Perhaps one of you is a spender and the other is a saver. How do you find a balance in regards to finances? Who’s right and who’s wrong?
This wasn’t written to scare you out of the idea of getting married, or to make you overly analytical and critical of your spouse. We all come from different life experiences, have different styles, tastes, preferences, and most of us tend to model our lives off of what we’ve seen demonstrated to us by our family units. When it comes to making French toast with cinnamon or powdered sugar, there’s no right or wrong. In fact, finding a balance between the cinnamon and powdered sugar just might make for a sweeter, more delicious combination than either would make on their own. Understanding each other, why we behave and react the way we do can lead to having more tolerance, patience, and love for each other. Taking the things that make you both unique, and communicating effectively how you feel, can help you and your spouse set up boundaries that are all your own. You will change and your spouse will change, you’ll both give and take. Finding the perfect balance that perfectly suits you both will take work, and it may be downright frustrating, but talking it out with each other and coming up with your own solutions will make marriage far more successful in the long run if you do.
Something important to remember when you’re adjusting to marriage is that it won’t be all sunshine and rainbows. Sorry to burst your bubble. There are going to be days where it’s just plain hard and requires lots of effort to keep your marriage where you want it to be. That can be discouraging until you understand that nothing worth getting comes without a price. Remember when you got married (or when you get married), you made a covenant, a vow that you would stick together for better and for worse. The moment that ceremony ended, you left your respective families and now have each other to hold onto. If you recognize your spouse is the person you need to be committed to even more than your parents, uncles, cousins, friends etc. then you can set up the appropriate boundaries and roles that will enable you to cleave unto each other and continue on in a healthy relationship.
For example, if he has an annoying habit that irritates you, or if she always nags, don’t go telling it to the world! That just causes drama and resentment. Instead, lovingly try to communicate how you feel and why you feel that way to them. Seek to understand your spouse, and also help your spouse see where you’re coming from. From there, you can both make the changes you want to see in your marriage. Telling everyone and their dog how much your spouse irritates you, can drive a wedge in your relationship. It’s actually a subtle way of breaking apart that which you vowed to uphold, protect, and cherish. Love each other enough and respect each other enough to carry each other through the hard times, to hold fast to each other, to be open and honest but kind with each other, and you will overcome far more than you thought possible together.
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