“Solutions are only found when individuals focus on and make changes in themselves—not when they try to control or change others.”—Lerner Harriet
Have you ever marveled at the blooming flowers in your town and wondered what made them grow? Have you ever wondered why ice cream tastes so incredibly addicting? How about finding out why you feel certain ways about your family and friends? As humans, there are many things we tend to wonder about. It’s natural. We theorize why and how things happen the way they do constantly, almost without realizing we’re even doing it. A theory is simply that; a set of logically related propositions that explain some sort of phenomenon. We humans aren’t content with just saying, “That’s the way it’s always been; no need to ever question it.” Most people aren’t content to just accept things. They want to fetter out the hows, the whys, and the whereofs. In the family, there are four main theories that can help explain our relationships with each other. Although not all of them may apply to you in particular, it is important to gain an understanding of the basics of these theories in order to see where you come from, where you fit in, and even to recognize where other people might fit in terms of familial relationships.
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The first theory that presents itself for observation is the systems theory. The systems theory is created from the belief that every interaction we have with others is symbolic or meaningful and that these experiences shape how we see the world. For example: if you were to pass someone on the street and they were scowling and don’t respond to your “Hello”, that sends you a ‘symbolic’ signal. Without anyone having to come out and tell you anything, you infer that this person is: unfriendly, having a bad day, rude, unsocial, upset at something (either you or another thing you’re not even aware of). There are many explanations that could explain this person’s surly behavior, but the unspoken signal given is that this person is not in a good mood. Why the said person is in a bad mood is subjective, and that’s where theorizing can come in. On another note, if someone passes you on the sidewalk and smiles at you with a friendly, “Good morning,” then you might conclude something completely different about him or her. We live in a society where we mingle with people on many different levels: familial, friends, coworkers, people we simply interact with during our day; in short, our communities. As we interact with each other, we work together in systems and send each other symbolic signs in our daily interactions that let them get a ‘read’ on us, and us on them. Someone’s reaction to you, may affect your mood and future interactions you may have as well.
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The second theory of families is the theory of conflict. It encompasses the idea that all individuals are looking for ways to benefit themselves. They want to exercise their influence or ‘power’ over the people around them. For example: have you ever tried to establish a bedtime for your children and they just don’t want to go to bed at the specified time? A conflict ensues where domination is fought for. Who wins? The parents? The children? Whoever ‘wins’ dominates the scenario. Another example of this is if there’s a more controlling spouse in a family that makes all the decisions about finance, chores, rules and so forth. While parents should be equal in their responsibilities, there are some that are more inclined to getting their way. If they don’t get it, or if any kind of unbalance happens in the familial unit, ‘conflict’ ensues. Conflict doesn’t always mean fighting, but it does mean that there’s a clash of wills, views, and goals that need to be resolved. How the conflict is resolved depends a lot on how we react in the circumstances in which we’re placed.
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The third theory is symbolic interaction. This claims that humans are cognitive creatures who’re influenced and shaped by their interaction experiences. So, if you were to go to a grocery store and one of the managers was exceptionally mean to you, you probably won’t ever go back to that store again. You may even tell all your friends about your experience and encourage them not to shop there as well. On the other hand, if you have a positive experience with your spouse on a date, you’ll be likely to replicate that date experience because it was proven to make you both happy. Humans are subconsciously, and consciously shaped by the everyday experiences they have which in turn, can predict how they’ll react to similar situations in the future.
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The fourth theory is known as the exchange theory. Simply put, the exchange theory is the claim that humans when they invest in any kind of relationship, want something to show for their investment. For example, if a mother slaves away in the kitchen to make homemade cookies for her kids when they come home from school, she’d be gratified if her children were actually happy to get the cookies. Humans tend to invest time, emotion, and energy into their relationships. But if they aren’t getting anything back for their efforts, or if they feel that their efforts are not being rewarded as they wish, they will stop investing. If the kids come home from school and don’t even want the cookies, mother will not be very likely to want to make them again.
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Throughout life, as we grow and gain new experiences and have evolved interactions with each other, it’s important to realize that how we invest and return the investments of others can change. Many variables such as personality, time, communication, and other resources change as we do so if you get upset because you felt your needs were being met before but now no longer are, it is important to realize that change happens. If it really bothers you, then in a kind manner, discuss it with the person in your relationship. Perhaps they feel they have been returning your investment, but they’ve done it in a different way than you expected. As we grow and learn from each other, we realize that change is alright, and that open communication about it can best help everyone to stay on the same page.\nAs we recognize these theories in our own lives, we can learn how to work with them. What I have learned from looking at a deeper level at my own family circumstances, is that none of us are perfect and we do things that affect each other for better and worse. I’ve come to recognize more fully tendencies each member leans towards. As I understand them more fully and can find out why they are the way they are, I can have better tolerance, and understanding of them. I’ll be more likely to change how I act in order to keep stability and peace in the home. When you gain understanding, it changes perspective, and a changed perspective can change your very nature.\n\n
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